Beta Flight National

2007-01-11T15:24:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MIKE

2006-07-31T22:08:00.000-07:00

You jackass.

Thank you, Master Chan

2006-06-28T13:57:00.000-07:00

I've been getting a surprising amount of milage out of the following phrases lately:

Ah, forget!
Not necessary!
What can do?

Toilet Tuesday (on Thursday)

2006-03-02T16:47:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago I delivered mail to a mailbox that was a toilet. Then I saw a picture of a toilet that had lips as a toilet seat.

That's some crazy shit right there.

Toilet Tuesdays A Bust

2006-02-22T18:59:00.000-08:00

Man, Toilet Tuesdays sucked. Who thought that shit up?

WHATEVERZ!!!!1

Watch man destroy man at the Great Outdoor Fight

2006-02-14T22:37:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if you guys have been following Achewood, but Mike especially might want to get caught up with the latest storyline, which starts here. It's got a fairly average start (which, considering it's Achewood, means it's pretty good), but the storyline takes a turn for the incredibly awesome when Ray Smuckles finds out his father was the legendary champion of the Great Outdoor Fight known as The Man with the Blood on His Hands and decides to honour his legacy by winning it himself.

Three acres! Three days! Three thousand men. Only one will win the Great Outdoor Fight!

Mike, you have to make the Great Outdoor Fight exist and enter it. Failing that, you must at least get the commemorative T-shirt that will soon be available at the website. I know I will. But for now, go read.

2006-02-14T18:36:00.000-08:00

Happy Toilet Tuesday!

Here's an unusual picture of a toilet. What is going on here?

Toilet Tuesdays

2006-02-07T04:55:00.000-08:00

Starting today, every Tuesday on Beta Flight National will be a Toilet Tuesday featuring a new toilet picture or story.

Today's Toilet

What would George Hackenschmidt do?

2006-01-15T22:47:00.000-08:00

I've been reading this website with all kinds of stories about shoot fights involving wrestlers. One interesting episode involves bodybuilder Craig Titus (who recently was arrested for murder) telling off and then jumping Booker T, only to get punched out by Orlando Jordan. But here's one I really like:

George Hackenschmidt and an assortment of wrestlers were touring the UK putting on shows in various halls and arenas . George's tour finally came to Liverpool and its local theater. But the theater's owner didn't want "fake wrestlers" in his hall so he told George's promoter to takes his group and get lost. The promoter promptly told this hall owner were to go so an hour later this theater owner cam back with a mob of local boxers from a nearby gym. The result was a pitch running fist fight which went around the theater and on to the streets of Liverpool. The wrestlers apparently beat the living shit out of the boxers. At one point Mr. Hackenschmit press slammed the local boxing champ over his head and down a flight of stairs. The end result: Hackenschmit and co. were barred from performing in Liverpool and the boxers got a 5-star arse kicking of a lifetime.

That's right—the Russian Lion gorilla pressed the guy, then threw him down the stairs. That is awesome.

Words Happen Every Time

2005-12-30T18:09:00.000-08:00

HOLYFUCK MIKE YOURE IN THE BRET HART DVD!!!!

2005-12-21T21:20:00.000-08:00

YOUR POST-SURVIVOR SERIES INTRU ABOUT IT BEING A CONSPIRACY IS IN THERE!@!!

Update: A longer post with a screenshot is here.

Beta flight, alpha male

2005-12-16T21:01:00.000-08:00

Hot on the heels of Mike's recent statement that I'm an alpha male, I got the following comment from Sascha from fencing yesterday: "You often can have a very commanding physical presence." I was surprised to hear that one, but now I have an idea what she might have meant.

Tonight at fencing, these two healthy-sized teenagers named Peter and Mikey were fooling around. They always fool around. They talk to each other constantly, ignoring whatever instruction is being given, which gets on my nerves because it shows a lack of respect to the coaches. I keep track of the attendance, and I write them down as one name -- Peterandmikey -- because they're inseparable and worth about as much as one person when put together.

Today they had found a balloon and were batting it around with their foils, waving them all over the place, and if not actually endangering people around them, at least taking up valuable space. I watched this for quite a while, then finally said to Sascha, "I've had about enough of that." I walked over to them, and took the balloon away with the tip of my foil. They shrank back and let me have it. I pinned it to the floor with my foil's tip as though I were going to pop it. They cringed and covered their ears. Then I picked it up and put it away. They made no attempt to argue.

"This is what I was talking about," Sascha said afterward. "That was hilarious."

Incessant Iminki Ignorance

2005-12-02T17:24:00.000-08:00

Man! You guys are always forgetting how to play Iminki. I guess I'm the guy to come to though, so here:

Iminki How-To

Spanish Iminki

2005-12-02T09:23:00.000-08:00

I forget how to play! Please help!

Small Potatoes

2005-11-27T11:08:00.000-08:00

Last night my chicken shwarma platter to go did not include a lemon baked potato.

WHAT HAPPEN?

Scott, someone's asking about you ...

2005-10-02T00:24:00.000-07:00

Scott, someone's asking about you here.

(I answered them.)

Mike Martelle, el rudo

2005-09-23T22:22:00.000-07:00

Mike, I did a big post about your triumph over Mexico on Man vs. Clown, in which I quote you at length. I hope that's okay; your story is too good not to share, and I do figure in the sorry (about which I'm very happy).

Now, have you noticed in your post-match video interview where you're just contantly putting your hand on the announcer's mike while he holds it for you? It seems to be unconscious and wholly unnecessary, so it's really funny.

In your next interview, I think you should step it up. Put your hand on the mike like that, and then leave it there, even when he's not holding it up to your mouth anymore and is talking into it himself. If he hands it to you to hold yourself, hand it back when you're done, but don't let go. Maintain constant contact. Make it look not aggressive, but just kind of absent-mindedly annoying. If he thinks you're trying to cut in and breaks off mid-sentence to try to let you do so, just look at him patiently and wait for him to resume asking his question. Maybe even play with the cord a bit, if there is one. I bet you get under the guy's skin without him realizing why.

In all my years watching wrestling and finding all the little Owen-Hart-esque hidden joys in it, I never thought I'd get to dissect the minutia of an interview with you as the subject. I'm so happy about that.

T-Shirt Idea

2005-08-19T18:51:00.000-07:00

Robot Comix

2005-08-17T20:45:00.000-07:00

Martel on RAW

2005-07-12T21:48:00.000-07:00

Bad news: It looks like Mike didn't get a shout-out on RAW after all. According to PWInsider, Matt Striker was using the name "Matt Martel" on Monday.

Nice Shoes, Asshole!

2005-07-02T10:14:00.000-07:00

Here's a little quote from the I Hate Horses blog that makes me rather happy:

"Hey! I have an idea! How about I nail a hat to your head and some pants to your ass? How about I nail a toilet to your big uncontrollable asshole?"

Beta Flight's National Park Record

2005-06-12T15:15:00.000-07:00

Earlier today I was scanning through the list of National Parks in Canada and seeing how many of them I've been to. What I found is that I've attended less than 20% of them. Of Canada's 41 National Parks I've visited only 8. So what are your personal records looking like? And how many of them do we have covered as a unit?

Here's my list:

Banff
Elk Island
Jasper
Pacific Rim Reserve
Fundy
Cape Breton Highlands
St. Lawrence Islands
Prince Edward Island

What I found particularly unsettling is that despite spending the majority of my life in Ontario I've only been to one of its National Parks. On the brighter side, in the near future I plan to increase my percentage during my next holiday by seeing Glacier, Kootenay, Mt. Revelstoke, and Yoho. How about the rest of y'all?

Oh man, I was so wasted.

2005-05-30T19:30:00.000-07:00

With particular reference to the prose and speech style of old-time wrestlers such as George Hackenschmidt and the aforementioned George Dinnie, Mike and I have recently been discussing how people in the olden days seem to have been better spoken and more flowery in their speech.

With that in mind, I just ran across a little something in the same spirit, something written in the eighth century by a very apologetic Chinese fellow who'd recently had a bit too much to drink:

'Yesterday, having drunk too much, I was so intoxicated as to pass all bounds; but none of the rude and coarse language I used was uttered in a conscious state. The next morning, after hearing others speak on the subject, I realised what had happened, whereupon I was overwhelmed with confusion and ready to sink into the earth with shame.'

Gay Town!

2005-05-30T19:19:00.000-07:00

Today, I was telling my coworker Gaétan about how I saw an ad that he posed for in GQ magazine. It went like this:

Me: Hey, Gaétan, I was flipping through GQ, and then I was all like, "Hey, something seems familiar ... oh, hello, Gaétan."

Gaétan: If you flip the page, I'm like right next to Jamie Foxx. Not bad, eh?

Me: Yeah, I was showing the ad to everyone!

Gaétan: Yeah? What'd they say?

Me: My friend Mike said, "What's his name? 'Gay Town'?"

Gaétan: [scowling] I hope you said I'd kick his ass if I heard that.

Me: Yeah, I told him, "You better not let Gay Town hear you say that!"

Gaétan: [gives stink-eye, walks away]

Chris Rock on steroids (not literally)

2005-05-24T22:01:00.000-07:00

I just hear Chris Rock say this on Late Night with Conan O'Brien:

"What's wrong with steroids? Everybody in this room, if you could take a pill to be better at your job, would you take 'em? Sure. If I could take pills to be as funny as Richard Pryor, I'd do it. Richard took 'em."

Fuck everybody else!

2005-05-24T21:41:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, our summer hours started at work, so a lot of people were off by lunchtime. Unfortunately, no one told our cafeteria staff, and they planned a special barbecue special. So, around 1:00, our facilities manager told them to put the brakes on making any more food.

Around this time, I came for lunch. "I'd like a burger," said the woman in front of me.

"I'd like one too," I said.

But what the guy behind the counter must have heard was, "I'd like ... two." So he gave me two burgers, and I took them, and I ate them. And right after that, the cafeteria ran out of burgers completely and anybody else who wanted one couldn't have one, but they could watch me eat two.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Mike gets scolded

2005-05-11T20:12:00.000-07:00

Mike, it's time to start committing some of your stories to print. I've been waiting for you to write down the one about the first McDonalds home delivery ever. If you don't start spinning some of your best yarns in printed form, I'm going to have to start quietly placing a dictaphone on the table when we go out for drinks and typing up the transcriptions when I get home. And I don't want to do that. Transcription is long, boring work, even when it's brilliant material. So get writing.

A close shave

2005-05-11T20:07:00.000-07:00

So, I found out on Monday that Mike and I narrowly missed death by exactly one week. At 1:00 a.m. Sunday morning, a guy got gunned down while leaving the same Pizza Pizza franchise that Mike and I were at exactly at that time a week before. So, assuming that the schedule of events had remained exactly the same, if Mike had come a week later, we would have been there in time to catch some stray bullets.

To top it off, the pizza isn't even that good. That Pizza Pizza franchise and I are so done.

WWMTT - What Would Mike Think of This?

2005-04-30T16:20:00.000-07:00

Jack Osbourne knocks out Veteran Kickboxer???

What Would Frank Gotch Do?

2005-04-26T11:38:00.000-07:00

I was just reading a biography of Frank Gotch at www.frankgotch.com. I love this passage. The fulsome praise coming from Gotch's opponent, George Dinnie, after being soundly thrashed really emphasizes the degree to which Gotch must have totally made this guy his bitch. He changed his tune so totally that you can just tell he was living in mortal fear of Gotch even as he sang his praises. It's as though Gotch had held him in a headlock and whispered to him that if he ever talked shit about him again, he'd come back to England and literally tear him limb from limb.

Back in Europe, Hackenschmidt had to face unbelieving fans and press. Promoter Jack Curley wanted a rematch, knowing how much money it would bring in. Hack began bad-mouthing Gotch all over the continent. Gotch, hearing the stories in America, was stunned and hurt. Then he turned angry. He went to Europe and whipped a good English wrestler named George Dinnie, who had been taunting Gotch, believing the Hack stories. Here's what Dinnie had to say after wrestling Gotch and being demolished:

"Gotch is the most wonderful of all the great wrestlers I have met. Hackenschmidt altogether takes a back seat. Gotch worked with his brains as well as with his body, in a way Hackenschmidt could never do. He is strong and moves likes lightning. A man stands no chance against him. He is a master of ring craft. I have never met or read of a man like him. There is not an ounce of science in the ring that he does not know about. He uses pure brainy science.

"He wrestles fair and in a legitimate way. It is a new style and we know nothing about it here. Yet there is nothing about wrestling that he does not know, and he always keeps within the rules.
"Gotch is a straight, gentlemanly fellow, and I don't think he would ever do anything outside the rules If he were beaten, he would accept his defeat like a Britisher. He would not shake hands and then go away and say things about his opponent. If all Hackenschmidt says is true, why did he shake hands with Gotch in friendly way after the contest? Why did he not leave the ring disgusted?"

Things that ought to make Mike proud of me

2005-04-06T18:51:00.000-07:00

1. I beat a two-time fencing Olympian last week by a score of 5-2. I doubt he could have been trying too hard, but still, I beat him. And by a pretty convincing score too.

2. I saw a guy with really big muttonchop sideburns on the bus today. It was like he thought he was in Victorian England. I strongly considered telling him off about this.

Mike's office

2005-03-20T09:54:00.000-08:00

Salo retires

2005-03-18T20:05:00.000-08:00

It's official: Former Edmonton Oilers goalie Tommy Salo has retired.

Sorry, Scott, but I'm not sorry for laughing my guts out when he got hit in the head by the puck and giving up that easy goal to Belarus in the Olympics. And the fact that this incident mentally destroyed Salo just makes it all the funnier. Do you think the puck damaged the part of the brain that governs going on with your life?

La Parka!

2005-03-14T21:52:00.000-08:00

I just posted about this on my regular blog, but it needs to be said again. Download La Parka's ring entrance video now!

YEAH!

2005-03-13T19:18:00.000-08:00

What the Hell?

2005-03-10T14:49:00.000-08:00

http://masamania.com/archives/2005/01/handicapped_pro.html

Here's this little thing

2005-03-05T19:39:00.000-08:00

This little thing might help you enjoy:

Scott Feenstra: MIA!

2005-03-02T08:09:00.000-08:00

It's true, Scott "Online at all times, because I love the Internet so, so much" Feenstra has not been seen around Bloggerland for almost a month now! Conspiracy theories run rampant, but I have narrowed the field of possible expanations to the following four:

Realizing that he is now the only non-competitive athlete member of Beta Flight, Scott is in intense training to beat the 5K PRs of both Peter and myself.
Yet another reality show has debuted, featuring more uneducated Americans willing to degrade and/or prostitute themselves beacuse they have no other means of acheiving even a moment's fame. The last block of free time in Scott's day is therefore filled.
Double chocolate Oreo ice cream has been reintroduced to the market - if this is so, someone needs to tell me too.
Consider this to be your "mystery" option - I have a theory, but I ain't telling!

Cast your vote now!!!

Mike Martelle Day?!?

2005-02-15T10:25:00.000-08:00

What started as a joke amongst a few friends may soon become a reality. Today, Kingston mayor Harvey Rosen is presenting to City Council the motion that April 3 be officially proclaimed "Mike Martelle Day"!

The motion recognizes my many years of successfully representing the Limestone City in international competition, particularly my recent silver medal performance at SAW : Global Tournament 2004. Also being taken into consideration are my ongoing contributions to the health and happiness of my fellow Kingstonians via my ongoing martial arts and fitness classes at the local YMCA.

April 3 was chosen as that will mark the one-year anniversary of my most recent title, the Omnium De Montreal ( Montreal Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Championships ). I won the most prestigious division of the tournament - expert category, 97 kg + - without anyone scoring a single point on me, and by submitting each opponent.

Stay tuned to your late-night Cogeco cable access Kingston-only feed for details!!!

A post specifically to intrigue and confound Mike

2005-02-09T01:10:00.000-08:00

Hey Mike! Check out the comments. Can you dig that...

SUCKA!!!

Mike the Dinosaur?

2005-02-08T01:24:00.000-08:00

Here's another dinosaur comic but this one's got Mike written all over it.

Peter The Dinosaur

2005-01-29T20:11:00.000-08:00

While browsing through some comics that Jay recommended recently I came across this one that seems quintessentially Peter.

TOOT TOOT!

2005-01-29T11:28:00.000-08:00

I am a wrestling psychic!

2005-01-14T23:17:00.000-08:00

I was just looking up some of my old RSPW posts on Google Groups, and found my predictions for the 1997 Survivor Series, made on July 7, of that year. I thought this section looked noteworthy:

WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP

Shawn Michaels v. Bret Hart -- winner: Bret

If Bret isn't already champion at this point, then he'll have the

opportunity to take the belt on Canadian soil and force the WWF

President into letting him back into the USA to defend the belt. Bret'll

get the win, of course, since he's in "God's Country". Since Shawn won't

want to win clean, I foresee a screwjob.

Well, I was wrong about a lot of things in that post, but right about the screwjob anyway.

Also, in another post, I was complaining about Triple H being mired in a mid-card feud over the worthless European title and arguing that he should be moved up to the world-title picture, despite the perception that he wasn't main-event caliber. Six and a half years later, he's won 10 world titles, married Vince's daughter, and won't get off my TV. I'm regretting what I said.

Also, some guy asked why the Canadian nickel has the queen on the back and a beaver on the front, and I said it was because the queen was a real cunt. I think that joke holds up nicely.

Today in time travel

2005-01-10T19:00:00.000-08:00

For an instantaneous form of communication, e-mail is sometimes anything but. We've all suffered from problems with slow servers that delayed the delivery of your mail by, say, half an hour, or in more extreme cases, a day or two.

This morning, I arrived at the office to find one of the frequent "notes to self" that I often send from my home account to my work account over a weekend. Only, I didn't recall sending any such message. When had this happened? Unable to account for this, I opened it to realize that I had sent it after all -- on June 14. Seven months ago.

So why was it just arriving? The IT department at work wasn't at fault, as one might assume. Rather, I'd tried to send myself a relatively large file, Outlook had run into problems, and I assumed it had aborted. Then, when I finally left Outlook open overnight months later, it went through after all. no real mystery after all. Still, it was a little disorienting.

And yet, perhaps it better equipped me to immediately accept the contents of a website brought to my attention by a coworker, an archive of the compiled forum postings of one John Titor, purportedly a time-traveller from the year 2036. My immediate response was, Yeah, okay, he's a time traveller. He came here in his car, like Marty McFly. I can dig it.

I mean, when you start the day thinking that you've perhaps just gotten e-mail from a future self, it's not hard to accept that maybe other people are tooling about the timeline in their magic hot rods. Especially when you've only got three hours of sleep in your immediate past, and all your coffees are still in the future.

Insensitive headline! (Not this one)

2005-01-06T22:25:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to nominate my blog post about the arrest of WWF jobber Johnny K-9 as having my favorite insensitive headline that I've written in a while.

Boring Things that Happened

2005-01-04T15:05:00.000-08:00

I sat on a park bench
I had a dream about being stuck in an elevator
My work gloves got some holes in them
Zeek scratched the couch
A guy watching hockey on TV ate some chips
I wore an old pair of sneakers instead of my newer ones

Death of Beta Flight National - plus: PONIES!

2004-12-21T11:01:00.000-08:00

No posts for a month? Beta Flight National is Dead!

Here are some pretty ponies:

Update
Here are some more pretty ponies:

Final Pony Update
Here are tiny pretty ponies with a pony story:

The real Beta Flight

2004-11-20T13:05:00.000-08:00

Now, I'm sure you cats already know about this, but I found out some time ago that there really is a real Beta Flight working to serve Canada with its own brand of subpar patriotic heroism.

IMINKI... I WIN!

2004-11-15T15:02:00.000-08:00

As requested, here are the rules to the various forms of Iminki.

Iminki
1. Say "Iminki"
2. Clap
3. Say "I win!"

Extended Iminki
1. Say "Foot Foot Oplah Oplah Top"
2. With each word spoken in step 1 you execute an action. These are the actions in sequence: Raise a foot, the other foot, a knee, the other knee, tap yourself on the head.
3. Say "Iminki"
4. Clap
5. Say "I win!"

Spanish Iminki
1. Say "Iminki"
2. Clap
3. Say "Yo gano!"

Extended Spanish Iminki
1. Say "Pies Pies Oplah Oplah Arriba"
2. With each word spoken in step 1 you execute an action. These are the actions in sequence: Raise a foot, the other foot, a knee, the other knee, tap yourself on the head.
3. Say "Iminki"
4. Clap
5. Say "Yo gano!"

BONUS TIPS from the WORLD CHAMP
1. When declaring victory in any form of Iminki you should always shrug, turn your hands upward in a sort of apologetic fashion, and look like you have no idea what just happened.
2. For any of the spoken word portions of the game, use the voice of Mario from the Super Mario Bros. games.
3. When you try to play the word Iminki in scrabble your opponents will insist that it's not a word. You know better.
4. If you have only Iminko it's best to pass.

Calling the World Champ...

2004-11-11T07:40:00.000-08:00

Scott,

I was recently horrfied to realize that I may not exactly remember how to play Iminki, with the exception of Abbreviated Rules Iminki. Could you please post the format for play of

Iminki
Extended Rules Iminki
Spanish Iminki ( both extended and abbreviated ) ?

With the loss of obscure sports such as Weigh The Butter and Catch-As-Can-Catch ( not to be confused with Catch-As-Catch-Can ) to the mists of time*, we must do all we can to preserve our Iminki heritage for the next generation.

*( ref: The Encylopedia of World Sports, 2004 ed. )

Celebratory Mike

2004-11-05T16:07:00.000-08:00

Here's a picture of Mike celebrating what I can only assume is the rapid approach of World Toilet Day on November 19.

I ate an enormous sandwich today!

2004-11-04T19:46:00.000-08:00

I went to lunch with a bunch of people from work to a restaurant called Peter's on Eglinton. I ate the hugest Reuben sandwich I've ever seen. It was alarmingly big. It had to be at least a pound of corned beef, and was at least five inches high. And while it was delicious, the sheer amount of meat I was putting in my mouth made me sort of queasy. With a lot of effort and with meat grease dripping from my fingers, I crammed the whole thing down my gullet, becoming the only one at the table to finish my meal.

"If only Mike were here," I said as I slumped back in my chair. Nobody knew who I was talking about, but talking any more was just too much effort.

Rip it n' Kick it, Yo!

2004-11-04T15:57:00.000-08:00

Rock out with your cock out! Whoo!

Time to party down!

2004-11-04T15:15:00.000-08:00

I totally like BetaFlight!

Subservient Chicken

2004-10-30T14:07:00.000-07:00

You guys really need to check this out. This chicken will do pretty much everything that you tell it to. Once you've tried some of your own creative commands you can try one of my favorites: Tell him to make you a sandwich.

Here's a post for you jackasses

2004-10-29T22:41:00.000-07:00

In the interests of giving Mike what he wants -- more posts* -- I thought I'd mention that I started fencing again. But since I've already blogged about it, I won't repeat the details.

What I didn't mention there (Alert: Bonus Beta Flight Content) is that I practiced with a pretty cute French girl whose natural advantage is that she can pronounce en garde and touché perfectly. However, I warned her that I plan to even the odds through my devious French parrot plan.

That reminds me: I got some mileage yesterday out of Mike's story about Augustus trying to blame him for ripping up all the newspapers.

* "Posts" may, at the reader's discretion, be construed to mean "hamburgers".

Betaflight - The Game

2004-10-26T13:14:00.000-07:00

Boys,

Have you seen the new 3D Betaflight game? Check it out right here, yo. It's got all three members, one of which you get to play, and an enormous bouncing ball that would crush any normal human not part of the Betaflight team. It's the greatest game since Pissin' 2000!

Housecleaning of Beta Flight

2004-10-25T18:54:00.000-07:00

Gentlemen,

I just wanted to appraise you that, despite not having any new topics to post about, I have made comments on a few previous ones. Let us keep this Blog alive, yo.

At Least He's Not This Guy!

2004-10-17T13:00:00.000-07:00

Sure, It's too bad Mike didn't land the title of "Sealand's Best Athlete" to run the Toronto Marathon but I'm glad he didn't get to be the lead character in this story.

Sealand's best (and only) athlete

2004-10-16T18:54:00.000-07:00

The Toronto Star ran an article in today's paper titled "Meet Sealand's best (and only) athlete". He's running in the Toronto Marathon tomorrow (I'll also be there, running the 5K).

Mike, why isn't this you?

Earth Angel

2004-10-03T17:29:00.000-07:00

Holy shit, Mike! I forgot to ask you how the Sarah McLachlan concert went. I also failed to mention that I went to see her here in Vancouver. Very impressive, it was. I was struck by three key things:

How lovely a woman she is
How very talented a performer she is
How vitally important it is that I kill her

If and when there is a next album and tour I'll definitely check it out.

"That's how a nigga eat!"

2004-09-22T19:21:00.000-07:00

Backyard videos of an underground fighter by the name of Kimbo Slice have become a sensation in the mixed martial arts world in recent weeks; this African-American fellow kicks all kinds of ass, and cuts memorable promos such as the title of this post. To see what the ruckus is all about, I urge you to watch one of Kimbo's fights, right here : http://www.sublimedirectory.com/basement/media/kimbo.wmv

I'm a posting machine!

2004-09-21T22:00:00.000-07:00

I thought you guys might be proud of my English Ruddy Buddy Katherine for this one. She's on her way to Vancouver at the end of the week, and I mentioned that I'd like to head out there soon.

Her immediate response: "To visit Beta Flight West?"

Beyond the five glories

2004-09-21T16:43:00.000-07:00

Friday, I stopped by the video game store, picked up the just-released Sims 2 and NHL 2005, said "Fuck off, outside world!" and didn't home out of my house until Monday morning. It was glorious.

And yet, it occurs to me that this kind of thing doesn't seem to fit with any of the Five Glories. It's not warrior pursuits. It's not romance. It's not shitting. It's not gluttony. It's kind of slothful, so it might be related to sleeping, the fifth glory. But I don't know.

What I'm starting to wonder is whether we might not have overlooked a possible sixth glory having to do with recreation. For me, it might be computer games, but for Scott, it might be pinball or pool.

And a further point to ponder: What about camaraderie? I think this is essentially what made our old ritual of watching Raw so enjoyable. But was it glorious? Or something less?

Finally, on a completely unrelated note, I was just careless about closing off that curtain to my private area and I think Toula might have just seen me naked. That's not glory. That's ignominy.

My baby ... my baby.

2004-09-21T16:32:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if you guys are keeping up with the WWE these days, but they're running a classy angle where Kane impregnated Lita, and this recently ended in a miscarriage when Kane was hit by a chair by some jobber named Gene Snitsky and fell on Lita's stomach. Then she fell off the ring apron, clutched her stomach and moaned, "My baby ... my baby" while D'Lo Brown looked on helplessly.

Wait. That last part was Terri Runnels in 1999.

Anyway, I thought I'd pass on this little bit from Scott Keith's Raw rant. The last bit made me laugh out loud:

And now, what we've all been waiting for: An interview with "Babykiller" Gene Snitsky! It's not his fault! They can actually keep milking this guy for a while. Give him "The Coat Hanger" or "The Abortion" as a finisher, and you're set. In fact, they could run a whole character angle for him whereby Randy Orton gets all the Divas pregnant, and week after week Snitsky attacks them and causes them to miscarry. And he can even have a catchphrase: "It's not a woman's right to choose, it's MY RIGHT TO CHOOSE!" That's MONEY, baby.

Violence Worldwide

2004-09-21T08:13:00.000-07:00

In keeping true to the aforementioned Grizzly Gym motto, I will be leaving for Tokyo on October 6th to compete in the prestigious, invitation-only 18 man S.A.W. : Global Tournament 2004. The event will be contested under full contact Pancrase rules, allowing for both striking and grappling. I will return a week later, full of glory!

Wheeeee! Just like Russell Crowe in South Park:

"What a beautiful day to spend away, fightin' 'round the world!"

The Giga Society

2004-09-07T14:43:00.000-07:00

In rummaging through my old things recently, I came across my letter of invitation from Mensa. I'd written one of their preliminary IQ tests about 10 years ago, and I scored 144 - higher then about 96% of the population at large. Anyway, this prompted me to do a web search on high IQ societies, and I came across the most elite of them all - The Giga Society.

The Giga Society requires an IQ of 196 or higher, which represents a score in the 99.9999999th percentile - that's right, one in a billion. There are therefore no more then six potential candidates in all the Earth for membership. They currently have two members. Listed amongst their goals as a society? "to make members of other IQ societies realize they're not all that, although they may think they are."

Clearly, we need a Beta Flight member. All the information you need is at http://members.chello.nl/~p.cooijmans/gliaweb/giga/.

Mike

Weekend Notes

2004-09-06T19:42:00.000-07:00

I coincidentally ran into Mike at the Kingston bus terminal today, just as he was getting off the bus from Montreal that I was about to board to go to Toronto. When asked when I'd arrived in town, I said, "Friday morning." In fact, I meant "Saturday morning." Beta Flight Central regrets the error.

In other news, I was visiting my little sister at Kelseys, where she works, and because I was very hungry, she recommended a hamburger so big that it wasn't even listed on the menu (possibly for reasons of insurance and liability). Its arrival prompted a tableful of impressed onlookers across the restaurant to point at it and give me big thumbs-up signals. I'm proud to say that I ate the entire thing. I am also pleased to report that Amanda captured the spectacle with her digital camera. I'll see if I can upload a photo for you.

The Young and the Homeless

2004-09-05T13:03:00.000-07:00

You've always got to admire a good sales pitch. Out in front of a Roger's Video on Davie Street was a cheerful, vagrant fellow that placed an order with me as though I were a cashier at a fast food restaurant. He wanted some spare change so he could buy a chicken turkey ham beef buffalo sandwich with a side order of hamburgers. I immediately imagined Beta Flight East being very proud of him. Unfortunately, I'd earlier given my vegetable noodle beef terriyaki leftovers to one of his peers and as such, couldn't help.

Hammertime!

2004-09-04T11:03:00.000-07:00

This past week I've been delivering mail to a funeral home in the east side of Vancouver. On the second or third day of delivery I noticed something odd at the main entrance. There was a small, red hammer perched precariously on a ledge above the front doors. It really looked like it could fall at any moment. My first instinct was to cautiously go inside, find a manager or director or something, and fill them in on this dangerous situation. Then I decided that they probably already knew about it and that it was just an innovative attempt to drum up some new business.

Spec-tacular

2004-09-01T09:24:00.000-07:00

My friend Katherine e-mailed me to get my opinion on this. I thought I'd better see what you gentlemen of inestimable quality think:

Look, while I've got you, can you help settle an argument? (hope it's not
one you've already had)Check out Councillor Eileen Kinnear, Harrow on the Hill
Conservative. Is she wearing glasses or not?
http://www2.harrow.gov.uk/mgMemberIndex.asp

Beta Flight Awarded, Suffers Minor Defeat

2004-08-29T10:00:00.000-07:00

So here's the story:

The wife and I head out to the local Red Robin restaurant for some dinner before we catch the big game that night. Now not everyone knows this but when you order a meal at Red Robin that comes with french fries the fries are actually "bottomless". That is, as long as you keep eating them them and asking for more they'll keep bringing them. Well the last time I attended, I ordered my favorite Whiskey River BBQ burger and fries. It's a pretty big meal and by the time I was done I was full enough to not get any extra fries. That, my friends, is being defeated. So this time I decided to try something a little different. I ordered the Whiskey River BBQ chicken burger this time around but I asked that the fries be brought out immediately, before my burger had even begun to be prepared. I was a little skeptical that this would work. I thought that they would probably have some sort of policy against it. They didn't! So right away, I had a big basket of delicious steak fries in front of me. It was like getting a free appetizer. I polished off the fries before too long and was still waiting on my sandwich so I decided that the next time our waitress came by I would ask her for my first refill. Instead, a busboy happened by to bring a refill on the lemonade that I had and I asked him. Shortly after that, our waitress reappeared, saw my empty basket, and offered to bring out more tasty steak fries. I told her that I'd already asked for some from someone else but she said that it would be faster if she just brought them. I wasn't about to argue so I agreed. Anyway, within the next 5 minutes or so I was given a basket of fries from the busboy, a basket of fries from the waitress, and a basket containing my burger and a fresh load of fries. The table was loaded with french fried madness. People were starting to look over at our table! I knew what I had to do. I loaded up on dipping sauce and started to work my way through the pile. By the end of the night I had finished only about 2½ of the baskets (and all of the sandwich, of course) leaving behind a basket and a half of shame. I piled the fries into one of the leftover baskets to try to minimize the embarrassment but it didn't really help that much. All night I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't get the extra fries out of my head. I'm sorry to say that I let down the team and can only say that I'll do my best to make sure it doesn't happen again.

A plug for the best blogger on Earth

2004-08-26T20:47:00.000-07:00

For the benefit of Mike, who may not have these links, I have two blogs of my own that I post to when I'm not posting here. Here they are:

Man vs. Clown!

Ruddy Inc.

And here's some crazy site I just found when I accidentally mashed some keys.

Do you guys mind if I put a link to the Beta Flight blog on my pages? It's not so other people will come here, so much as it's so that I'm reminded to come here more often and can do so with just one click.

Operation: Def Leppard

2004-08-25T11:05:00.000-07:00

Saturday night, I took a dose of melatonin to help me sleep. Melatonin is famous for creating "unusual" dreams, and wow, did it deliver.

Shortly after closing my eyes, I realized that I was not dreaming, but that I was actually in some sort of Quantum Leap-style Imaging Chamber, being prepared for a mission into the past. The objective: to prevent Def Leppard from ever enjoying superstardom.

Upon arriving in the early 1970s I proceeded to infiltrate the group, posing as a backup guitarist. From the inside, I proceeded to do everything within my power to subtly undermine their efforts to gain noteriety, much like TVs "The Mole". This is the boring part of mission, which spanned several months, so I will spare you the details; suffice to say that my best efforts, which I was actively coordinating with assitance from the Imaging Chamber, were amounting to naught. The automaton that is human history paced ever forward, resisting all my attempts to change its grand design. It was as though History was a computer program that was insisting on fullfilling its function, and was rewriting the details as necessary to ensure that, no matter what changes I effected, Def Leppard was to be a success. Time, quite literally, was running out.

Finally, the night came when a key concert was to take place. This concert would attract the attention of major record labels, and lead to their eventual signing. I was desparate, half-crazed in what had become, over the course of my many months spent in the past, my single mission in life: the eradication of Def Leppard from music history. If you know me well enough, you can probably guess what became my ultimate solution: violence.

I crouched on the rooftop of a strip club as a gentle snow fell. I was dressed in black, preparing to ambush them on their way into the arena. I figured that a sound enough beating would make them stop being Def Leppard. They weren't big yet, so they had no entourage, no security; I knew I could take them out quickly and efficiently with the element of surprise on my side. I was a little nervous because of the immense ramifications of what was about to happen. The future depended on me.

Finally the band members came into view. Like an avenging angel I swooped down upon them, screaming in fury. Jab, cross, kick to the knee! Down one went, then another! As the initial surprise wore off, they eventually tried to defend themselves; too late. It was done. Standing bloody and victorious in the snow, before shocked onlookers, I coined the now-famous joke:

"What has nine arms and sucks? Def Leppard!!!"

I returned to 2004, my mission a success. Although it's true that Def Leppard has still enjoyed great popularity, it does not compare to the megastardom that would have ensued had I not kicked all their asses that night. History is secure.

Beta Flight Montreal or Beta Flight AWOL?

2004-08-17T16:20:00.000-07:00

Where's Mike? At 7'8" tall and 497 lbs. he shouldn't be this hard to find. Maybe he's enjoying an extra long birthday/anniversary celebration. I hope we don't have to arrange some sort of rescue misison.

Waiting for Godot... and Mike

2004-08-15T08:51:00.000-07:00

Where's Beta Flight Montreal? We can't control the east without him! I hope it's just a matter of not having regular internet access and not a matter of getting confused over the sign up process.

In the meantime, here are some important Beta Flight news items:

I walked by an antique store and saw a very elderly senior go inside. I didn't say anything at all about it.
I was swimming in the ocean with my keys in a velcro style pocket. Today, I have no keys.
A couch and loveseat set were purchased recently. On delivery it was found that the couch did not fit in the small elevator in our apartment. In a stunning display of the power and influence of Beta Flight, I arranged for the couch to be carried up 10 flights of a very narrow staircase.

Linky-dink

2004-08-14T09:10:00.000-07:00

You know what would be a good idea, Scott (since you're the administrator)? Adding links to our personal websites. Along the side, you know, with the contributors and previous posts, and archives sections.

Expanding our hegemony

2004-08-14T09:02:00.000-07:00

Well done, Scott. You know, I think I might have registered a Beta Flight e-mail address at one point, but I'm not sure if I still have it. Think we might ever need one again?

Beta Flight Retakes Canada

2004-08-13T21:53:00.000-07:00

The whole of Canada has been reclaimed. Beta Flight East in Montreal. Beta Flight Central in Toronto. Beta Flight West in Vancouver. Now we can use our power to post messages on the internet!